Trap Picking

Attention K-mart looters! This is your uncle Crowscar saying I've been a baaad boy. I taught the trappers some lethal tricks, but I didn't give the pickers the benefit of my years of experience in the field. (Don't ask how many years, wise guy...) And so without further ado, here's:

Uncle Crowscar's

How to pick traps and influence people

the beginner's edition

Now since a trapper is always trying to come up with something that no-one has thought of yet, trap picking is not what you'd call an exact science - it involves being prepared for situations you're not expected to expect. That means taking being a jack-of-all-trades to a whole new level, and gambling your butt on it. Your buddies are counting on you to make the way clear for them, and to be able to get that all-important can of potted meat product out of the trapped box without incinerating it. Chances are that sooner or later you're going to run out of luck - but at least you're the one taking it for the team, not them. That's your job: human crash test dummy. And if along the way you should happen to turn a profit, so be it! All the same, there's no rush like trap picking. You're staring ugly death in the face, generally literally inches away, and beating it. Besting it. Proving you're better than the trap, better than the trapper...maybe even the best. Maybe. That said, let's get you ready for your exciting new hobby with a few tricks of the trade. We'll start with your kit.

A picker needs tools to do what they do. If you have to get something out of a trapped box, the trapper probably doesn't love you and wish you well. They want to blow you up and go through the ashes for loose change. They have to have a way to get at their stuff, so there is some way to beat the trap, but leaving enough room for you to get at the trap easily is just plain dumb. Chances are you're going to need some thin tools for manipulating a trap (especially one inside a box.) What your uncle Crowscar generally carries is -

• dental picks (for probing, hooking and holding down/in/up)
• a dental mirror (for checking out obstructed parts of the interior of a box)
• a locking hemostat (for grabbing, natch)
• a roll of scotch tape (for taping switches closed) one of those mini swiss army knives (scissors, a thin blade and tweezers all in a package smaller than your little finger.)
• an old credit card (for charging new tools...just kidding. It's a useful exploratory tool for boxes.) a mechanical pencil (hold the plunger down and pull the lead, and you've got a good long thin probe. Plus it writes!)
• a light source (If you have to ask, give up and go be a thug)
• lockpicks (Why blow you up when they could just lock you out? Be prepared to deal with locks)
• You may find other tools that are just as or more useful. Use your creativity. Use everything you've got. The trappers will...

Once you're properly equipped for picking, there are a few basic instincts to cultivate and procedures to learn to follow. For instance:

• Assume it's trapped. That box? That door? That innocent-looking stretch of bare ground in front of the door? It's trapped. Trust me. Also the doormat, innocent bystanders, your underwear and the cat. The trapper is counting on you not to believe it or think of it, but I'm hoping you're smarter than that.
• Any action you take can trigger a trap. A stray gesture can press a tripwire. Stepping on that discarded dirty sock or stray autumn leaf can set off the popper cunningly hidden underneath it. Know where your body parts are going and think before you act, or your body parts will be flying about with explosive-assisted vigor.
• The trapper is actively trying to outsmart you. Nothing makes them feel better than tricking you into doing something dumb and getting blown up over it, so look for obvious sucker plays and avoid them. If a trigger is too obvious or it's solution too easy, they've come up with a new angle and you're about to gain a new and uniquely smithereen-oriented perspective.
• The more you know about the trap, the better the chances that you'll find a safe way to beat it. Take a minute to check all sides of a box (including the hinges and the bottom) closely, looking for exterior triggers, kill switches and the like. The trapper has to have a way to get through their own work quickly, but they're not about to tell you. Figure out their gimmick and you're halfway to beating them.
• Never assume that beating one trigger means that you're safe. Multiple triggers are par for this particular course, and boy howdy won't you feel dumb if you finesse one trap only to blunder into setting another off.

Now it's time to apply these bits and pieces to a hypothetical situation with the help of our friend, Slappy the picker. Slappy's on the job - he needs to swipe the *widget of power* (Bum bum bummm!) from Eustace the psycho trapper, who has it in his cabin. Luckily for Slappy, Eustace is at the psycho trappers' convention in Anaheim, leaving his cabin unprotected... that is, except for a whole bunch of traps.

Slappy approaches the cabin. He circles it carefully, looking for kill switches. A cabin is, after all, basically a really big box, and if Eustace could switch off his traps from outside it would save them both a lot of time. Slappy even looks under the cabin, but no such luck - Eustace is too hardcore to make it that easy. That means Slappy's point of entry will have to be the front door (a controlled situation, very much in Eustace's favor. A trapper will always try to limit a picker's potential actions to ones they can control.)

Slappy approaches the door. There are steps leading up to it, but Slappy doesn't step on them until he's checked them thoroughly, top, bottom and sides, for tripwires and pressure triggers. Remember, always assume it's trapped. Not this time, though - the steps look safe. Slappy moves on to the door.

Our protagonist looks through the screen part of the door, but Eustace has tacked a tarp to the inside of the door to keep Slappy blind. He examines the crack between door and jamb,and spots a piece of paper wedged there at one of the upper corners. Still Slappy doesn't touch the door (Taking his time, isn't he?) but continues to check the door until he is satisfied that there is nothing else unusual here. Slappy takes his hemostat and grabs the paper. If he holds it still as he moves the door, any trap it's set to trigger probably won't go off. He turns the knob...no boom. Good. He opens the door an inch. the piece of paper has a pinhole in the center of it. Slappy carefully closes the door again, then goes and finds a thumbtack. He returns, opens the door an inch and tacks the paper in place, as Eustace appears to have done before. Problem solved!

You'd think Slappy would just walk in now. Or maybe you wouldn't - and if you wouldn't, congratulate yourself. Slappy stops and rechecks the crack around the door, because he knows that multiple traps are par for the course. He can see more clearly now, as the door is almost open. Checking the lower corner, he spots a textbook-perfect pressure switch trap. That's an easy one. He takes out his credit card and slips it between the switch and the aluminum plate, keeping the switch pressed as he opens the door further. Once he can get his dental mirror through the gap between door and jamb, he uses it to check behind the door. A good thing, too - the other application of a pressure switch is inside, tacked to a soda can. There's just enough room for him to slip his hand (the one that was holding the dental mirror) inside to move the can out of the way. He opens the door far enough to get both hands in, and uses his scotch tape to tape the first switch down. He's probably been at this a good 5-10 minutes at this point, because being thorough can save your skin. Never let someone rush you when you're picking - you'll end up extra-crispy style.

After a quick breath to steady his hands and another check with the dental mirror to make sure the coast is clear, Slappy finally opens the door and unhooks the batteries from the pressure switches, disarming them. Looking around, the first thought that strikes him is that Eustace is a complete slob... or is he? The floor is littered with dirty laundry, candy wrappers, dry leaves, kleenex, old magazines etc. Turning a few pieces over, Slappy discovers a minefield of popper-type traps, interspersed with periodic tripwires at about waist height. His only choice is to get low and pick his way through the mess until he reaches his goal, the box in the far corner of the room.

There are a couple of tripwires crisscrossed in front of the box, but Slappy can see that they both lead to pull-style traps, so he simply cuts them with the scissors on his swiss army knife and disarms them. Now for the hard part (yes, you heard me right.)

Box picking is generally the hardest part of a picker's job; it requires steady, dextrous hands, patience, skill and iron nerves. Experience is also handy, but the first time you screw up could be the last, so experience can be hard to come by. Caution is the key.

Slappy carefully looks at all sides of the box, turning it around while keeping the bottom flat on the table. Something as small as a pinhole could be there to give access to a kill switch. He notices that one of the rear corners of the box is slightly raised. Sliding it carefully to the edge of the table, he finds a pressure switch. If he'd picked the box up, he'd be dead now... His only choice is to open the lid. He puts his eye against the crack between lid and box, and shines his light through the crack at the opposite end of the box. There is definitely something under the lid, but Slappy can't tell what. It's in the middle of the box, out of reach of either his credit card or the blade on his swiss army knife. He's going to have to open it up...

Because the lid is closed and the bomb inside the box is not going off, Slappy can assume that keeping the lid closed will keep the bomb stable. He checks the latch to make sure there are no pressure switches under it or tripwires tied to it (remember, any action can trigger a trap!), presses down on the box lid and releases the latch. Instantly the lid presses back against Slappy's fingers, and his suspicions are confirmed - there's a sprung mousetrap pressing against the bottom of the lid. If he hadn't been pressing down on the lid it would have popped up, the mousetrap would have gone off, the *widget of power* (bum bum bummm!) would have been incinerated and he would be hurt or dead. As it is, it's still going to be tricky... From the angle of the trap's arm, Slappy can open it a little. He cracks the lid open wide enough to get his hooked dental pick inside and grabs the arm. He's about to lift the lid far enough to close the trap safely when he sees something - a suspicious cylindrical package about an inch long with wires going to it, taped to the inside of the box lid. Since Slappy's been around the block a few times, he knows what he's looking at for the rarity it is - a gravity switch.

Back before the E.P.A. banned radio shack from distributing products with mercury in them, great thundering herds of mercury tilt-switches used to sweep across the plains of the trapping industry, leaving the charred and twisted corpses of pickers in their wake. Since the ban, trappers have had to resort to whatever they could scrape up in this regard - tilt switches from old pinball games, bits of antique thermostats, handmade jerry-rigs, what have you. the principle is simple: A bead of mercury or copper ball bearing sits in one end of a cylinder. two connections sit at the other end. Once the cylinder tilts past a certain point, the mercury or bearing rolls to the other end of the cylider and closes the circuit between the two connections. Boom. They are notoriously sensitive and increasingly rare - it's just Slappy's bad luck to run into one.

Slappy closes and re-latches the lid. No, he's not giving up... He slides the box to the edge of the table again and uses his scotch tape to tape the pressure switch in the rear corner down. This lets him tilt the entire box forward, assuring that the ball bearing will stay in the 'safe' end of the gravity switch. He unlatches the box and uses the dental pick to grab the mousetrap's arm, gently easing it down to it's base, disarming it. Finally he unhooks the battery, disarming the pressure and gravity switches.

Slappy can finally open the lid safely. He takes the much-coveted *widget of power* (Bum bum bummm!) out of the troublesome box. At long last, he has beaten Eustace the psycho trapper! Hooray! He stands up to put the *widget of power* (bum bum bummm!) in his hip pocket, and sets off the chest-high tripwire that has been over his head the whole time. The directed-detonation charge instantly turns Slappy into something that looks like it belongs on the bottom of an over-used toaster oven. The *widget of power* (bum bum bummm!) lands neatly on a pair of underwear that has seen better days...and Slappy secures his place in the annals of mediocrity. He becomes a footnote in the legend of Eustace the psycho trapper. The moral is always know where your body parts are going and think before you act. Slappy would tell you the same, but he's busy doing his impression of a toilet-seat on the Hindenberg.

***

Well, you've had a look into what a picker does for kicks - they're part demolitions expert, part second-story man, all screwloose adrenaline junkie. they look death in the eye so their teammates won't have to, and they reap the benefits. It's like playing russian roulette, but being able to affect the outcome with sheer luck, skill and guts. A picker who's good enough can even make a name for themselves, get famous in the rarefied picker/trapper world... at least until that last lethal boom. The adrenaline is what brings a picker back for more. It's just plain addictive. I know I love it, nuts as it may be, but hey! I'm a pretty stable guy! Heh heh. *twitch*